So you’re living in a Disney fairy tale. Good for you! Actually, not good for you. For living in a Disney fairy tale is only good for a few main characters while for everyone else it’s just plain horrible.
How is that possible, you ask? Let’s look at a few examples:
So you’re living your humdrum peasant existence, minding your own business, when the King of your land decides his son needs a woman. So if you’re female and breathing you have no choice but to show up at the castle and strut your stuff… or else! What if you have already found your one true love? Irrelevant. Show up and suck it up, buttercup.
At least they’re happy!
Now you may think that living in a palace is better than living in poverty and filth, even if it means being married to an idiot, but shouldn’t it still be your choice? Granted, the Prince in this story was good-looking and a great guy, but again: choice!
Let’s move on to our next example:
She sleeps – You sleep!
This example is even worse, on so many levels. So an evil Fairy shows up just after the birth of the Royal baby and puts a curse on it: She will prick her finger on the needle of a spinning wheel on the eve of her sixteenth birthday and fall into a death-like sleep. Solution? Destroy all the spinning wheels in the Kingdom!
This qualifies as a knee-jerk reaction of epic proportions. First, why destroy all the spinning wheels right away? Why not wait until she’s 15 1/2 years old, and then destroy them? Second, many of the peasants use these spinning wheels to make their clothes, but no sweat really, because peasants don’t need dignity and can walk around in rags or naked. Third, how about the merchants? I guess if you had a business making garments you could always have a big closing sale before switching your occupation to street beggar!
But this Royal Family wasn’t through with the rank and file yet! After their darling daughter pricked her finger and took a snooze anyway, three good Fairies decided that the pain two parents were feeling over just one child was way too much grief for the entire Kingdom to bear. So they put every living thing into a deep sleep until the Royal daughter could be saved from the sleeping curse. Um, don’t I, as a lowly peasant, get a vote in this? I think I could live with that pain! Goodnight, Royals! I’m staying up for a while.
Now the Royals didn’t order the Fairies to do this, but it was done on behalf of them, so I still call it their bad! One guard even got put to sleep while leaning on a spear. Imagine how messed up this palace grunt will be after years of standing outside in all kinds of weather! And what about those poor merchants again? If their businesses relied on out-of-Kingdom trade, bankruptcy is inevitable when every business contact they had moves on after not hearing from them… for years!
Beauty and the Beast
We all know that the sins of the Father can be visited on the Son. Also, if the captain of a ship decides to steer the ship into an iceberg, everyone is going down! But no one can mess with the future of others quite like a Disney Royal.
So the Prince in the Beauty and the Beast story is a raging idiot. Insensitive. Boorish. Just not a nice guy all around. So when an Enchantress stops by his castle one night to ask for a small act of kindness, he callously blows her off. And does this Enchantress just punish him? Of course not! Why not cast a curse on every living thing in the castle while she’s at it?
Yay! I’m a Candlestick! No, wait…
So the Prince’s dedicated staff, a group of top-notch professionals who only live to serve, are also cursed. So to sum up: Master is a Jerk. I get to be a feather duster… perhaps for eternity. Thanks!
So do you think you’d like to live in a Disney fairy tale? If so, and by that I mean you’re insane, be sure to be one of these two characters: A Royal Parent, or the Royal Child that the whole world revolves around. You’ll be a bit upset, briefly, but not as screwed as the rabble you rule over!
Sure, you’re dancing now, but just wait!
If you’re just determined to be in a Disney fairy tale, but don’t want the responsibility of ruining millions of lives, you will have to accept being this supporting character: Hapless Victim. As such, be prepared to be treated like you don’t matter. Be ready to enjoy long naps. And as a worse-case scenario, enjoy finding out what it’s like to be a mop.
Yes, Disney Royals are harsh!